#MomLife: Returning to Work is a Mother

Today, I became a working mom. It's a bittersweet day filled with a ton of emotions that I was not looking forward to facing. Until a couple of months ago, I was a pregnant mother-to-be only able to imagine what it felt like for millions of women who stepped into motherhood and returned to work a short time after their babies were born. Fast forward now, and the phrase "Hindsight is always 20/20" is very real.

For the last three months, I've been set in a routine of caring and bonding with the twins. Each day is different - some are adventure filled, some are lazy spent at home completely content in watching the boys in amazement, some are rough and long as one of the babies might be feeling not so well, some are filled with new developments as the boys discover something new... and some are just like any other day. The feelings of looking at your child and having more and more love in your heart for them with each passing day is something that can't ever truly be expressed in words. But as each day turns to night, the lingering reminder that my new routine would become old news pushed me one day closer to the end of my maternity leave.

I'll admit - I was dreading this day, and not for the reasons you might think. Unlike some moms out there, I happen to have a job I truly love. It's the best job I've ever had, actually. But, the idea of spending 12 hours a day, five days a week away from my sons makes me feel like I'm letting them down in a way. Will they feel like I wasn't there for them? Stories of children being resentful toward a parent who worked haunts me. Will the boys lose interest in me and love Daddy more than Mommy because he's home with them more now? I have already packed up 4 picture frames with their photos to turn my cubicle into a Landon and Nathan Mini Museum...

I keep telling myself that I'm not the first woman on the planet to face this day. And I know it will be harder on me than it will on them. But how do you get over knowing that you'll be missing out on many "firsts"? I'm going to lay one of my fears out there: I'm almost nervous to come home and hear that one of them did something new - and because of that, I'll be a little bit jealous of my husband (who will be taking care of them during the day) when he tells me about the cute thing Landon or Nathan did. Babies change so much in the first 3 months, and now with the boys approaching 4 months soon, I know they'll be changing faster than ever. It's inevitable that something monumental in the book of memories they're working on will happen. I just have to face it.

But that doesn't mean I'm prepared for it...

The debate on stay-at-home moms and working moms contributions to the family have been heavily debated, and I won't be another woman who pins one against the other. Both are equally important. And each family is different. The decision a family makes together or a mom decides on her own to return to work or stay home isn't for me to judge. And frankly, no one else should be doing that either. Unless you yourself are ready to take care of a someone's baby 24/7 and pay all of her family's bills, then you really don't have a right to lay societal stereotypes on her capabilities as a mother if she returns to work. I have respect for mothers, period. No matter if your throne is an office chair or a rocking chair - duty calls as the powerful keeper of your domain.

So, as quickly as a became a mom, I proudly take my new title and add a little something extra to it. The first week will surely be an adjustment for me, and I know in time, I'll get used to it. But for now, I'm working through the emotions, and minimal sleep, to write a new chapter in my book of life.

My Birth Story

Hi all! Well, I'm happy to report that the boys arrived safely! As you can imagine, I've been busy tending to the twins, which doesn't leave too much time for myself at the moment. But when I can catch a couple of minutes in between their snoozes, I'm trying to fit in the things that were part of my pre-mommy routine - like blogging.

I wanted to share the twins' birth story with you today as I just can't get over the fact that I carried around two children in my belly... and that they're finally here.

But it's amazing how your life can change in an instant.

For me, that day was April 20, 2015. 
My husband and I arrived at the hospital at 5:30 a.m. knowing that in a few hours, the life we shared for the last 5 years was going to change. I thought to myself, "I'm going to the hospital, and leaving with two little humans." Just amazing.

After checking in, the nurses hooked me up to monitors to hear the heartbeats of my two sons. I watched the numbers go up and down as my own heart rapidly. It was part nerves, part excitement, part fear... But in the best way. Nonetheless, I was completely scared to be wheeled into the operating room. My scheduled c-section was set for 7:30 a.m. Knowing that after carrying them to 38 weeks (which is considered full-term for twins) I was going to meet them made me nervous. I'd no longer have the bump I looked down at everyday. But, I had dreamed of what they'd look like. Would they cry when they were born? Would they be born with hair? I thought about the past months and wondered if I did as much as I could in order to bring two healthy boys into the world. Luckily, all my tests and ultrasounds were on target so at this point, I'd done all I could. 

Finally, I was wheeled into the operating room, and my husband was asked to change into scrubs. I had a planned c-section, and leading up to it, I'd done my research in anticipation to what to expect. A childbirth class also helped prep me, so I wasn't in the dark either. I guess you could say I was "prepared". 

Experiencing something like a c-section is probably the scariest thing I've endured. Knowing you are being operated on while awake, even though you can see what's going on, is without a doubt terrifying. I shook uncontrollably on the table as the room was very cold. First, they placed a shower cap on my head - bangs exposed. Then, oxygen at my nose. I received a spinal block, which is slightly different than an epidural in the sense that the needle wouldn't be inserted in my bag and left there - I'd receive the dosage and the needle would be removed. I'll admit it was comforting knowing I wouldn't have to lie down with a needle in my spine. I can't say I was overly scared about this part b/c honestly, there's a lot of hype around epidurals and how terrible they are. But, it really wasn't that bad. The anesthesiologist is so quick about it, and they do it all day long... The biggest trip is to feel your legs go warm and absolutely numb.

After the spinal, I laid down on the table, and the curtain was drawn over my chest. Mike joined me back in the OR and sat right at my head. I was still shaking due to the cold of the room, and the nerves, but he did an amazing job of keeping me focused as as calm as possible. He really has been my rock in so many ways - picking up the slack for me and making our home ready for the babies' arrival. No words could really do justice for all that he's done for me...

After the medication set in, the doctor started the procedure. I had read that you will feel "slight tugging and pressure". I can't say it was slight... Sorry. It's not the doctor's fault, it just comes with the procedure. But, with all the movement going on, I can say that I was getting a little freaked out. While I didn't feel a thing, the thought of what was happening was probably causing my nervous to jump off the charts. 

After a couple of minutes, the doctor said, "Okay, Jen, here comes Baby A."

At 8:27, Landon Phillip Jeffery was born at 5. lb, 11 oz. - crying! 

Immediately after at 8:28 a.m., Nathan Samuel Jeffery was born, weighing 5 lb. 12 oz. Following suit, he made his appearance just like his brother - crying and screaming. Best sound ever.

I started to cry and just couldn't believe that my sons were now finally here to be part of our world. I didn't get to see them immediately as the nurses rushed in and whisked them off to be cleaned and checked. After some time, a nurse brought the boys to me and I remember just looking at their faces in awe. Instant love. Unbelievable. 

Now, as I'm home, my recovery has been good with moments of some pain. It can be difficult to take care of the boys at times when I'm having pain, which can be frustrating because I want to be able to be at my best for them. Luckily, my family and husband have been a tremendous help and have been very patient with me. 

Becoming a mother has been scary, rewarding, amazing, a learning experience and beautiful. I had waited for so long to finally experience this moment and everything that I've endured, it was worth it. I now get the privilege of being their mother. I cherish every minute with them and love that each day, there lies an adventure with them - big or small. 

In the meantime, I've been busy as you can imagine, so blogging will have to wait for the moments when I can get to it. But I'll be checking in I hope weekly.

I'd like to thank everyone for the love and support on Instagram! If you'd like to see more photos of the boys, you'll find them on my House Of Jeffers account!